So I was planting this amazing vine to grow over the banister that I don’t want to sand and paint so I decided to get a vine to cover it and I realize it will take years for the vine to actually cover it but whatever.  I got all caught up with weaving my vine in and out of the banister and making sure it was supported that I completely forgot everything going on including that I had a 16 month old playing in the yard by a busy street.  I am guessing 4 -5 minutes later (felt like way longer but I am being realistic) my mom brain jolted awake and I realized I had no idea where Eva was.  All I heard was that horrible silence when you can’t hear your kid.  I scanned the street and sidewalk and then sprinted to the back yard.  For 20 seconds I was completely frantic and nightmarish thoughts were running through my head.  It was a long 20 seconds

I found Eva frolicking through the tall weeds, clothes wet with duck water squealing with delight of being able to do so.  I felt overwhelming relief and I stood and watched her for a while.

I know this happens to all moms.  It is how some horrific things happen to children.  It made me wonder why our brains do this; why all of a sudden they just shut off and only focus on the thing at hand.  Motherhood is a serious multi-tasking job and I pride myself at being able to juggle many things at once and to remember all that needs to get done but sometimes our brains just decide “I can only handle this one thing and everything else must be forgotten”.  It is like our brains need to be rebooted because suddenly the power is turned back on and everything we are supposed to remember comes rushing back like a freight train.  It is really like that shot in movies when the main character is remembering something and the camera zooms in on them and the background goes fuzzy and expands and frantic squeaky violins play; Lost is famous for it.  Do you know what I’m talking about?

I stayed awake that night imagining all the horrible things that could have happened to Eva and how my life could be completely different and wondering how I would be able to live with myself if something had happened.  I prayed and thanked God that nothing happened and begged him that I would learn from this and not let it happen again.  I also begged him to please be with me and remind me to stay alert.  For the rest of the weekend I felt like a meerkat: stare, stare, work for 2 seconds, stare, stare, work, etc.

Meerkats, © Roberta Stacy

So that is the latest on me learning to be a mom.

Here is Eva with my new vine.  She had held the hose over her head and got sopping wet so I stripped her down and she loved it.

Hawaiian Cowgirl

Airing out

There are some memories that I didn’t know, at the time, how great they were but now when I look back I long to relive them.  For example:  playing kick the can at night with the neighborhood kids when I was little.  It was summertime so we could be out late and I loved running so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and smelling like grass and not worrying about bugs.  I loved being chased and being able to “hop a fence” in 2 seconds and not being worried about hurting my knees or ankles.  I would love to relive a night like that and I would even settle for playing kick the can as an adult if I could get some people to play it with me.

Being a kid you don’t realize how great your life is; you are too focused on what your parents won’t let you do than how free you are and how fun your life is.  I want to be like Eva; a little raggamuffin that doesn’t care about what she is wearing or that the back of her hair is a knot but just worrying about when she can go outside and play in the duck’s water.  But, that’s life, you never realize what you have until it is gone.

When I was little I would get in bed with my mom and she would always take my hand and place it on her cheek and want me to rest it there.  I never understood why she wanted my hand on her face.  Now I do.  I totally put Eva’s little, soft hand on my cheek all the time and wish, wish, wish she will never grow up.  It doesn’t work.  She is growing so fast and wants to be big so bad and when she is sleeping I tell her I will miss her when she is big and I kiss her lips and cheeks and ears and nose and sometimes her smelly toes.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster of utter bliss and absolute heartache and yes I realize I am only just starting.

She is quite an independent girl and I think she knows that I will always be back so has never put up much of a fuss when I leave; and she has had to be this way because I have worked since she was 6 weeks old which is hard but has turned her into a very social, confident, happy girl.

Since I know sooooo much about being a mom I thought I would share this tip with you.

(drum roll)

Tammy’s Mothering Advice:

The other day I needed to clean the kitchen but Eva just wanted to be held so to buy me some time I put her in the sink to play in the water.  It worked; she was in there for about 45 minutes and screamed when I took her out.  Now all she wants to do is get in the sink and play in the water.  I think I will save it for when I really need it because I don’t want this novelty to get old.

image from The Crab Cooker website

I unfortunately forgot my camera so I only have two pictures from my blackberry and here they are:

Eva on the plane in her seat.  She loves facing forward and seeing everything.

Eva with Clint’s hat on.  She loves hats and leaves them on and she wants to be like her Dad.

I was a bit sick on Mother’s Day.  I ate a lot of kettle carmel corn and could not stop myself and my stomach was pretty mad after that but then I boarded a plane and was doomed.  But in the morning Eva snuggled me and put her head on my chest and then would look up at me and smile and then put her head back down and did that over and over so I considered it my mother’s day present and loved every second of it.

I am so grateful for my little sugar bean that has brought so much light into our lives.  She is such a happy girl and it is so fun to see her soak up the world and enjoy herself.  I love being a mom and I love the mother’s in my life.  Thank you to my mother-in-law, Michelle and Kimi who watch Eva on a weekly basis and have helped her become this amazing, happy little person and who love and care for her just like I do.  You all have helped me look like I am a great mom. I am so grateful to be able to drop Eva off with them and completely trust who she is with and they spend time with her and who teach her things;I love seeing the things she has learned from them.

I am grateful for my mom who is so brave and went to South Africa to give of herself for a year and a half and help those who need her.  I know it is hard for her to not see Eva but she is doing something tremendous so thanks Mom, I love you.

And I must mention my dear friends Colin and Ranie who adopted a baby a few months ago.  I am so glad that Ranie can celebrate this day because I know she has wanted to so badly and it has been a hard holiday for her so Ranie, Happy Mother’s Day to you!  I am so happy for you guys!

Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

I wish I was in Hawaii on the beach.

I wish that people would not brake while merging onto the freeway; it doesn’t make any sense.

I wish that people would react more quickly when there is a green arrow; it is so angering when two cars get through the light when 10 could have! (No Phone Zone anyone?)

I wish that it was warm and I could lie in the sun.

I wish I had energy to do the Jillian Michaels workout that I tell everyone I love but have only done once because it is one tough workout.

I wish Eva’s teeth would grow in faster so she would be a happy girl again and eat solid food because it is seriously stressing me out.

I wish the two baby turkeys in my basement would grow faster so I could put them outside because surprisingly two baby turkeys smell worse than 7 baby chickens.

I wish I could find time to plant the beautiful garden that I have seeds for.

I wish that the box elder bugs did not exist.

I wish it was Thursday.

BTW: Why is there a stupid correspondents dinner and why must I hear about every time I turn on the TV? It seems very high school to me. Only the “coolest” people go and then all the “losers” have to watch it on TV to see the beautiful clothes and hear the “funny” jokes. I mean really, who is not going to fake laugh at the President when he is at the podium giving jokes? You have to, right? I wish Monica could go and do her fake laugh all night. I need to get a good fake laugh like Monica. Anyways, then Matt on The Today show this morning was like “We all went to the Correspondents Dinner where celebrities and politicians have a chance to rub elbows and we’ll be back to tell you all about it”. {“Oh goody! Really please hurry back so that I can hear more about it! Who cares about the real news out there in the world like a massive oil spill that is still spilling! I only care about celebrities and politicians rubbing elbows and fake laughing at the President and Jay Leno and telling Michelle she looks gorgeous in that dress even though it is the same dress as usual just in a different color!} Hey The Today Show, get in touch with your audience! No one watching went or really cares! By no one I mean me, obviously, but I am feeling free to speak for the faceless people I don’t know that watch The Today Show.


And that is the end of my rant.
{} denotes sarcasm.

So today Eva gets to wear her new flip flops.  Growing up we called flip flops “Go Aheads”; did anyone else?  It is the perfect name for them since it is extremely difficult to walk backwards in go aheads.

Eva’s feet are perfect for go aheads since she has a big space between her first two toes.

I love these toes.

I also love this hat she has.

BTW:

I slept with my clothes again last night.

The other day I mentioned to Clint and a friend that I overuse the words amazing and hilarious and I need to find new words to use. Clint suggested “barrel full of laughs” for hilarious and “incredible” for amazing. I then heard Clint use “barrel full of laughs” in a sentence later in the day and the person he was speaking to asked him why he was speaking like an old man so barrel full of laughs is out. Incredible hasn’t stuck yet but I am working on it.

Speaking of Clint I got back from the store this morning to the worst smelling diaper and asked Clint if Eva had diarrhea and Clint said,”A little; I think Eva is going to get sick”. I assumed it was because of the horrible diaper and because he was sick but then he proceeded to let me know that as he was changing her diaper he had only wiped her a couple times and some how she had gotten a hold of her Binky and stuck it in her butt crack and before he could grab the Binky she stuck it in her mouth. It didn’t necessarily have poo on it but he wasn’t confident that he had done a thorough wiping yet. So I just had a conversation with him on the phone and he told me that Eva was whiny and I mentioned that she probably isn’t feeling well and Clint said,”Yeah because she sucked on poo this morning.” I share this because I think that Clint is a barrel full of laughs and the way he tells stories is, again, a barrel full of laughs.

I would also like to share a very funny site with you if you like fashion and famous people and making fun of famous people’s fashion choices. You are probably thinking what could be funnier than me but this site is, incredibly enough.

I Will

Who knows how long I’ve loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to…I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name.
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we’re together.
Love you when we’re apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it so loud I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Ahhh, You know I will.

I will.

Songwriters: Lennon, John Winston; Mccartney, Paul James;

During that hour of crying it made me think about how all mammals have to go through the weaning process from their moms.  When I was in Hawaii we saw a beautiful sea lion (I can’t remember which kind exactly).  They have volunteers that stake off the areas where the sea lions beach to give them room since they are endangered.  The volunteer was telling us of all her adventures doing this and she said that when the sea lions have their babies they stay with them for something like 3 or 5 days and then the mothers wait until their baby falls asleep and then they leave and that is it.  That is the weaning.  She said one time she watched this happen and the baby cried and cried for a whole day and then the mom came back for the night and was gone in the morning and the baby was okay after that.  Obviously I am having crazy hormones right now because I am totally crying while I am typing this.  It is so sad!  Poor little baby sea lions!

I also thought of the cows and horses I grew up with and when it is time to separate the mothers and babies they both freak out and “cry” in their way and it is hard to watch.

Though it is hard I am so grateful to get to do it.  I waited for Eva for what seemed like a “lonely lifetime”.  I had dreams about her that caused me emotions that I had never felt before.  I am so grateful for my little sugar-bean-plum.

And yes, I am an overly hormonal mom right now who is emotional and nonsensical and that is why I write this sappy post.