Tammy's Bird Brain » motherhood

Well, hello

Tammy — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 18:08:26 +0000

Eva is sick. She is the sickest she has ever been. It started with pink eye which went undiagnosed for too long so it turned into a bad sore throat and infection in both ears. A high fever accompanied it all. I pretty much sat on the couch and held her all day yesterday because that is all that she really wanted. She slept pretty much all day too. Poor little bug. She is doing better today but is still having trouble swollowing solid food because her throat is so swollen.

When I would get sick when I was little my mom would give me warm chicken broth with a straw or a little white bread to dip into it. I thought it was the sickest thing in the world. I know now how nutritious chicken broth is and why she was doing it but when I get sick now there is no way I will drink chicken broth through a straw. The funny thing is I am trying to feed it to Eva through a straw. She took a few swallows. I love her.

When I first became a mom I was absolutely terrified of Eva getting a fever. I wasn’t sure if I would know when she had a fever or what to do exactly. Turns out when your child has a fever you absolutely know. It feels totally different from when they are just hot. I was calm and gave her some ibuprofen and took her temperature and made sure it stayed under 104 and everything was fine. I feel like I have passed some mom test or something. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

And there you are.

Learning to be a meerkat mom

Tammy — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 21:24:38 +0000

My house is on a pretty busy street and I would really like a fence in front of my yard so that in the future my kids can play outside and I can worry a bit less. Over the weekend I did a lot of yard work. Eva loves being outside and is really good about playing around me and trying to help me. I have taught her to only go as far as the edge of the grass but she is 16 months old so really I can’t trust her not to test her limits. Don’t worry I am not gearing you all up for a tragic story.

So I was planting this amazing vine to grow over the banister that I don’t want to sand and paint so I decided to get a vine to cover it and I realize it will take years for the vine to actually cover it but whatever. I got all caught up with weaving my vine in and out of the banister and making sure it was supported that I completely forgot everything going on including that I had a 16 month old playing in the yard by a busy street. I am guessing 4 -5 minutes later (felt like way longer but I am being realistic) my mom brain jolted awake and I realized I had no idea where Eva was. All I heard was that horrible silence when you can’t hear your kid. I scanned the street and sidewalk and then sprinted to the back yard. For 20 seconds I was completely frantic and nightmarish thoughts were running through my head. It was a long 20 seconds

I found Eva frolicking through the tall weeds, clothes wet with duck water squealing with delight of being able to do so. I felt overwhelming relief and I stood and watched her for a while.

I know this happens to all moms. It is how some horrific things happen to children. It made me wonder why our brains do this; why all of a sudden they just shut off and only focus on the thing at hand. Motherhood is a serious multi-tasking job and I pride myself at being able to juggle many things at once and to remember all that needs to get done but sometimes our brains just decide “I can only handle this one thing and everything else must be forgotten”. It is like our brains need to be rebooted because suddenly the power is turned back on and everything we are supposed to remember comes rushing back like a freight train. It is really like that shot in movies when the main character is remembering something and the camera zooms in on them and the background goes fuzzy and expands and frantic squeaky violins play; Lost is famous for it. Do you know what I’m talking about?

I stayed awake that night imagining all the horrible things that could have happened to Eva and how my life could be completely different and wondering how I would be able to live with myself if something had happened. I prayed and thanked God that nothing happened and begged him that I would learn from this and not let it happen again. I also begged him to please be with me and remind me to stay alert. For the rest of the weekend I felt like a meerkat: stare, stare, work for 2 seconds, stare, stare, work, etc.

Meerkats, © Roberta Stacy

So that is the latest on me learning to be a mom.

Here is Eva with my new vine. She had held the hose over her head and got sopping wet so I stripped her down and she loved it.

Another post about being sad that my baby is growing up.

Tammy — Mon, 17 May 2010 22:20:50 +0000

Sometimes there are amazing moments in my life and they are so perfect that I take a picture in my mind and try to remember it exactly that way forever. The memory always fades a bit but I remember that I loved it.

There are some memories that I didn’t know, at the time, how great they were but now when I look back I long to relive them. For example: playing kick the can at night with the neighborhood kids when I was little. It was summertime so we could be out late and I loved running so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and smelling like grass and not worrying about bugs. I loved being chased and being able to “hop a fence” in 2 seconds and not being worried about hurting my knees or ankles. I would love to relive a night like that and I would even settle for playing kick the can as an adult if I could get some people to play it with me.

Being a kid you don’t realize how great your life is; you are too focused on what your parents won’t let you do than how free you are and how fun your life is. I want to be like Eva; a little raggamuffin that doesn’t care about what she is wearing or that the back of her hair is a knot but just worrying about when she can go outside and play in the duck’s water. But, that’s life, you never realize what you have until it is gone.

When I was little I would get in bed with my mom and she would always take my hand and place it on her cheek and want me to rest it there. I never understood why she wanted my hand on her face. Now I do. I totally put Eva’s little, soft hand on my cheek all the time and wish, wish, wish she will never grow up. It doesn’t work. She is growing so fast and wants to be big so bad and when she is sleeping I tell her I will miss her when she is big and I kiss her lips and cheeks and ears and nose and sometimes her smelly toes.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster of utter bliss and absolute heartache and yes I realize I am only just starting.

Mama with advice

Tammy — Tue, 11 May 2010 16:44:25 +0000

Today when I left to work Eva followed me to the door and cried and said “Mama” and it broke my heart a little but also made me happy because she has never cried when I left. She has cried when her dad has left and when her cousins have left but she usually kisses me and waves when I leave or runs to play and doesn’t notice if I leave; but today she was sad to see me go which made me happy that my Eva loves me and wants me around.

She is quite an independent girl and I think she knows that I will always be back so has never put up much of a fuss when I leave; and she has had to be this way because I have worked since she was 6 weeks old which is hard but has turned her into a very social, confident, happy girl.

Since I know sooooo much about being a mom I thought I would share this tip with you.

(drum roll)

Tammy’s Mothering Advice:

The other day I needed to clean the kitchen but Eva just wanted to be held so to buy me some time I put her in the sink to play in the water. It worked; she was in there for about 45 minutes and screamed when I took her out. Now all she wants to do is get in the sink and play in the water. I think I will save it for when I really need it because I don’t want this novelty to get old.

Post Mother’s Day Post

Tammy — Mon, 10 May 2010 20:50:43 +0000

I had a great weekend is sunny California with friends and my little Evakins. The weather was beautiful and I wore shorts and sun dresses and sunglasses. I got to eat at one of my favorite restaurants The Crab Cooker where I ate king crab claws that melted in my mouth with no butter required because they were so good.

image from The Crab Cooker website

I unfortunately forgot my camera so I only have two pictures from my blackberry and here they are:

Eva on the plane in her seat. She loves facing forward and seeing everything.

Eva with Clint’s hat on. She loves hats and leaves them on and she wants to be like her Dad.

I was a bit sick on Mother’s Day. I ate a lot of kettle carmel corn and could not stop myself and my stomach was pretty mad after that but then I boarded a plane and was doomed. But in the morning Eva snuggled me and put her head on my chest and then would look up at me and smile and then put her head back down and did that over and over so I considered it my mother’s day present and loved every second of it.

I am so grateful for my little sugar bean that has brought so much light into our lives. She is such a happy girl and it is so fun to see her soak up the world and enjoy herself. I love being a mom and I love the mother’s in my life. Thank you to my mother-in-law, Michelle and Kimi who watch Eva on a weekly basis and have helped her become this amazing, happy little person and who love and care for her just like I do. You all have helped me look like I am a great mom. I am so grateful to be able to drop Eva off with them and completely trust who she is with and they spend time with her and who teach her things;I love seeing the things she has learned from them.

I am grateful for my mom who is so brave and went to South Africa to give of herself for a year and a half and help those who need her. I know it is hard for her to not see Eva but she is doing something tremendous so thanks Mom, I love you.

And I must mention my dear friends Colin and Ranie who adopted a baby a few months ago. I am so glad that Ranie can celebrate this day because I know she has wanted to so badly and it has been a hard holiday for her so Ranie, Happy Mother’s Day to you! I am so happy for you guys!

Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

Phases

Tammy — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:29:08 +0000

I have gone through some lame phases in my life but they have helped me learn about life and become who I am. Like the phase where everyone seems to be cooler than me and so I would just copy people and their mannerisms trying desperately to be cool. This phase lasted a big portion of my life. I would change tactics quickly when people would call me out on them like when my mom asked me one time why I wasn’t moving my upper lip when I spoke. “Uh, because this girl at school talks this way and she is way cooler than me.” I didn’t actually respond this way I’m sure I just got red in the face and walked away. Or the one time someone asked me why I was suddenly pronouncing my T’s. “Uh, because it is so lame to talk with a hideous Utah accent since the girl from California made fun of me for it.”

In high school I was like “Yeah, I am just one of the guys, they just tease me and push me around because they like me. I just don’t get along with girls but that’s ok I prefer to hang out with guys anyways.”** This is a stupid phase. One of my biggest regrets in high school is not hanging out with my girlfriends more because I was too worried about getting the guys to like me; which they never did by the way. I think the trying too hard completely backfired. I allowed myself to be treated horribly by guys because I was raised thinking that if a guy treats you badly that means he likes you. Ummm…..NO! It means he will treat you like crap, have absolutely no respect for you and then go for the girl who won’t give him the time of day. I’m glad I can look back and laugh and hopefully I will be able to pass my wisdom down to my kids. Yeah, I know, I won’t hold my breath.

One phase during my 20′s was that I wanted really close girlfriends because let’s face it, we all want amazing girlfriends like the girls on Sex and the City. Admit it or not we would love to meet once a week for an amazing dinner or breakfast and gossip about stupid girl crap and get the chemical high from our brains. (I can’t remember which chemical but I love it!***)

I remember the time in my mid 20′s I finally became comfortable in my own skin. I stopped wearing a padded bra and embraced my small boobs. That was a pretty big deal for me. hahahaha.

And as you know I received my brain when I turned 30 and I am loving it! A brain provides comfort, wisdom, stability, rationality, actual confidence and gets rid of a lot of insecurities and petty behaviors. I have accepted my Utah accent and actually like it; I also have some great girlfriends. And as you continue to get older you don’t have time for silly crap, which is nice.

I realize I am rambling and doing a horrible job grammar wise but I am in my 30′s and I just don’t care if you are analyzing this post.

So the phase I am in now is motherhood mixed with this new organic/buy-local/gardening/free range thing. I ordered my organic heirloom seeds and the square foot gardening book. I am well on my way to becoming the “do it all soccer mom while secretly taking speed”. (Crossing my fingers.)

See ya, don’t wanna be ya.

**If are a woman and you have noticed that throughout your life you do not get along with other women then you have a problem. It is not the other women’s problem. All women need other women to provide strength and comfort. You need to look inward to figure out what’s going on there.

***looking forward to Michelle’s birthday party tomorrow night!

i am weaning so therefore I am nonsensical and given leeway to be so

Tammy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:59:18 +0000

I am in the process of weaning Eva but I think I am actually weaning myself. The main reason I have decided to do this is because she gets up a 1 a.m. and wants to nurse and is restless and nursing until about 5 a.m. when she finally falls back to sleep. Obviously this is messing up my sleep and I realize that I have created a habit for her which I must now break. So over the weekend I got her to drink milk from a bottle and take her binki which was no small feat. But Saturday night was hard because I decided to not nurse her at all during the night. She woke up at 2:45 a.m. tugging at my shirt and crying. I tried to give her the bottle but she would have none of it. She cried and cried and laid her little head on my shoulder and cried for an hour. And of course I cried too. I tickled her back and told her how sometimes getting big is hard but I told her about all the fun things she would be able to do now that she is getting so big. I also sang to her “I Will” by The Beatles. I love this song and have sung it to her since I found out I was pregnant.

I Will

Who knows how long I’ve loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to…I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name.
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we’re together.
Love you when we’re apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it so loud I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Ahhh, You know I will.

I will.

Songwriters: Lennon, John Winston; Mccartney, Paul James;

During that hour of crying it made me think about how all mammals have to go through the weaning process from their moms. When I was in Hawaii we saw a beautiful sea lion (I can’t remember which kind exactly). They have volunteers that stake off the areas where the sea lions beach to give them room since they are endangered. The volunteer was telling us of all her adventures doing this and she said that when the sea lions have their babies they stay with them for something like 3 or 5 days and then the mothers wait until their baby falls asleep and then they leave and that is it. That is the weaning. She said one time she watched this happen and the baby cried and cried for a whole day and then the mom came back for the night and was gone in the morning and the baby was okay after that. Obviously I am having crazy hormones right now because I am totally crying while I am typing this. It is so sad! Poor little baby sea lions!

I also thought of the cows and horses I grew up with and when it is time to separate the mothers and babies they both freak out and “cry” in their way and it is hard to watch.

Though it is hard I am so grateful to get to do it. I waited for Eva for what seemed like a “lonely lifetime”. I had dreams about her that caused me emotions that I had never felt before. I am so grateful for my little sugar-bean-plum.

And yes, I am an overly hormonal mom right now who is emotional and nonsensical and that is why I write this sappy post.

I know, I know, I know….but it’s still hard

Tammy — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 05:57:12 +0000

I think it is time to start training Eva to sleep through the night and do it in her crib. I know it will be easier if I do it now and it will be harder the longer I wait. I know that it will be better for her as well; she needs to get a good solid 10 hours. I know that she is capable of it and that she can’t possibly be starving and need to nurse 3 times a night. I know, I know, I know.

But I love to snuggle her and smell her breath and feel her pulling on my hair. I love it, I love it, I love it.

It will just get worse and harder so it has to be done. So tonight I didn’t nurse her to sleep; I let her cry but I didn’t leave her alone. I can’t stand the thought of her feeling abandoned and I don’t agree with letting her cry alone in a dark room. So I soothed her and let her cry and I laid by her. So technically she didn’t fall asleep in her crib but she didn’t nurse. It took about a half hour and she was really mad but we did it. It was hard. Now she is in her crib.

Being a parent is quite an adventure. I have all these new emotions that I never expected. Who new I would be depressed about having to give up a restless night for a full nights rest.

Love to you my sweet Eva.

My girl is 1!!!!

Tammy — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:22:03 +0000

We went to my mom’s last weekend to celebrate Eva’s first birthday. I can not believe it has been a year. I read what I wrote about my delivery and it seems like it just happened. My life is so different. I am so different. With a kid time goes by much faster. It is a little sad. There are times I stop and try to memorize the moments; her soft skin, her sweet smell, the size of her hands and feet. It doesn’t work though because I can’t remember what she was like 5 months ago. She grows so gradually that I can’t see it but then I turn around and she is walking and babbling and I am wondering when she learned to do all of those things. Kids grow so fast that even if I received my wish and she would grow slower it would still be too fast. Alas, I am subject to the march of time which I was grateful for a week ago.

So here are the pictures for your eyes to feast on:

We got Eva a Klean Kanteen sippy cup for her birthday. No uterine cancer for my girl!

Me and Eva. Can you see us beyond my yellow shirt?

Birthday Girl! (shirt from Auntie Sarah)

Clint and Eva with her new hat! I love this hat it makes her look like a cupcake! (Hat from Auntie Natalie)

Eva helping with the pizza. Can you see the view from the window? It is so beautiful it looks fake.

Auntie Natalie cooking the pizza. Notice how messy cooking pizza is.

This isn’t the greatest picture but my fingers look cool. I am throwing pizza dough.

(random: remember when we learned to spell doughnut like this? That is how I learned it in elementary school. When did it change to donut? Anyone? )

Look how beautiful this pizza is! Homemade pizza is the best. I normally hate pizza.

Eva loves pizza. Actually Eva loves everything. She is not a picky eater.

Eva’s cupcakes. Her cousin made her the special one on top which she ate the frosting off of.

Messy mug.

She ate the cupcake but didn’t really seem to care that it was sugary sweet.

She enjoyed the bath that came after much more.

Happy birthday my sweet Evakins. I wish I could live this year over and over. You are a sweet angel. You are so happy and you make everyone around you happy. I hope you can keep this happiness for life forever.

Love to you my girl!

How does this not make you smile?

Tammy — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:00:11 +0000

OK so I know she looks a little crazy but how can a giggle not escape from you when you see this?