Tammy's Bird Brain » love

i am weaning so therefore I am nonsensical and given leeway to be so

Tammy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:59:18 +0000

I am in the process of weaning Eva but I think I am actually weaning myself. The main reason I have decided to do this is because she gets up a 1 a.m. and wants to nurse and is restless and nursing until about 5 a.m. when she finally falls back to sleep. Obviously this is messing up my sleep and I realize that I have created a habit for her which I must now break. So over the weekend I got her to drink milk from a bottle and take her binki which was no small feat. But Saturday night was hard because I decided to not nurse her at all during the night. She woke up at 2:45 a.m. tugging at my shirt and crying. I tried to give her the bottle but she would have none of it. She cried and cried and laid her little head on my shoulder and cried for an hour. And of course I cried too. I tickled her back and told her how sometimes getting big is hard but I told her about all the fun things she would be able to do now that she is getting so big. I also sang to her “I Will” by The Beatles. I love this song and have sung it to her since I found out I was pregnant.

I Will

Who knows how long I’ve loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to…I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name.
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we’re together.
Love you when we’re apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it so loud I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Ahhh, You know I will.

I will.

Songwriters: Lennon, John Winston; Mccartney, Paul James;

During that hour of crying it made me think about how all mammals have to go through the weaning process from their moms. When I was in Hawaii we saw a beautiful sea lion (I can’t remember which kind exactly). They have volunteers that stake off the areas where the sea lions beach to give them room since they are endangered. The volunteer was telling us of all her adventures doing this and she said that when the sea lions have their babies they stay with them for something like 3 or 5 days and then the mothers wait until their baby falls asleep and then they leave and that is it. That is the weaning. She said one time she watched this happen and the baby cried and cried for a whole day and then the mom came back for the night and was gone in the morning and the baby was okay after that. Obviously I am having crazy hormones right now because I am totally crying while I am typing this. It is so sad! Poor little baby sea lions!

I also thought of the cows and horses I grew up with and when it is time to separate the mothers and babies they both freak out and “cry” in their way and it is hard to watch.

Though it is hard I am so grateful to get to do it. I waited for Eva for what seemed like a “lonely lifetime”. I had dreams about her that caused me emotions that I had never felt before. I am so grateful for my little sugar-bean-plum.

And yes, I am an overly hormonal mom right now who is emotional and nonsensical and that is why I write this sappy post.

My girl is 1!!!!

Tammy — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:22:03 +0000

We went to my mom’s last weekend to celebrate Eva’s first birthday. I can not believe it has been a year. I read what I wrote about my delivery and it seems like it just happened. My life is so different. I am so different. With a kid time goes by much faster. It is a little sad. There are times I stop and try to memorize the moments; her soft skin, her sweet smell, the size of her hands and feet. It doesn’t work though because I can’t remember what she was like 5 months ago. She grows so gradually that I can’t see it but then I turn around and she is walking and babbling and I am wondering when she learned to do all of those things. Kids grow so fast that even if I received my wish and she would grow slower it would still be too fast. Alas, I am subject to the march of time which I was grateful for a week ago.

So here are the pictures for your eyes to feast on:

We got Eva a Klean Kanteen sippy cup for her birthday. No uterine cancer for my girl!

Me and Eva. Can you see us beyond my yellow shirt?

Birthday Girl! (shirt from Auntie Sarah)

Clint and Eva with her new hat! I love this hat it makes her look like a cupcake! (Hat from Auntie Natalie)

Eva helping with the pizza. Can you see the view from the window? It is so beautiful it looks fake.

Auntie Natalie cooking the pizza. Notice how messy cooking pizza is.

This isn’t the greatest picture but my fingers look cool. I am throwing pizza dough.

(random: remember when we learned to spell doughnut like this? That is how I learned it in elementary school. When did it change to donut? Anyone? )

Look how beautiful this pizza is! Homemade pizza is the best. I normally hate pizza.

Eva loves pizza. Actually Eva loves everything. She is not a picky eater.

Eva’s cupcakes. Her cousin made her the special one on top which she ate the frosting off of.

Messy mug.

She ate the cupcake but didn’t really seem to care that it was sugary sweet.

She enjoyed the bath that came after much more.

Happy birthday my sweet Evakins. I wish I could live this year over and over. You are a sweet angel. You are so happy and you make everyone around you happy. I hope you can keep this happiness for life forever.

Love to you my girl!

How does this not make you smile?

Tammy — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:00:11 +0000

OK so I know she looks a little crazy but how can a giggle not escape from you when you see this?

no sleep is fine by me

Tammy — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:05:41 +0000

Eva still doesn’t sleep through the night and I don’t care.
She sleeps on her own until about 1 or 2 and then she cries. Both Clint and I love to “rescue” her from her crib. For some reason she always is standing when we rescue her. It is really cute. I have seen her do it and her eyes are completely closed and she crawls to the one end closest to the door and pulls herself up to standing and cries out.

When I get her out I am just too tired to put her back; well that is my excuse at least.

I love her little hands on my face and playing with my hair. I love hearing her breathing. I love the little sounds she makes when she moves around. I love waking up to her babbling to me the this “th, th” language. I love seeing her bright eyes in the dark. And lately she tries to pry our eyes open with her thumbs. It is the best. She always wakes up in the morning with a smile on her face. I wish her to be this happy forever. I wish her to always enjoy life and look forward to every new day.

I get about 5 hours of sleep per night but I don’t care because soon she will be sleeping through the night and I will miss her so much that I might just sneak in and steal her out of her crib and force her to sleep with me.

There is nothing better in the world than snuggling with a baby. Nothing.

Doing dishes

Tammy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:24:48 +0000

One of the best things I have experienced is washing dishes in my kitchen
and hearing Eva playing in the living room and then hearing
her cute little hands slapping on the linoleum and then
feeling her sweet little hands tugging at my pants and
then looking down to find this…

“I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A BOY”

Tammy — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:46:46 +0000

A friend the other day said, “Wow, you and Clint really have it figured out. It seems like you guys communicate so well and get along so well. What is your secret to such a great marriage?”

I burst out in laughter and the thought “Holy crap we have you fooled”.
She is a single friend and for a second I thought of telling her some great answer like:
“Oh, it’s easy you just have to love each other a lot and that is it”.

Since it is the mission of all marrieds to get singles to jump on board the {super awesome}* train and get married too I thought about lying and telling her that when really a couple weeks in and the honeymoon is over you find yourself screaming out like Monica on Friends “I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A BOY!!!!!!!!”

On the 22nd of this month I will have been married for 10 years. Yes a decade. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it has been super easy and that I am an amazing wife. Sometimes marriage feels like it is a test to see how bad we can hurt the other person to see if they will stick around. Why is it that we hurt the ones we love the very most?

Who knows, seriously?

My real answer to my friend was “Well it has taken us 10 years to figure it out”.

Not that it is smooth sailing but it is a lot easier now.

Marriage is pretty hard and I often wonder why it is in our natures to find one person and want to spend all of our time with them. But we do. Even if we are miserable we want to be with that one person.**

When I see young lovers preparing to get married I just smile and congratulate them. There is really nothing I can say to prepare them for what they are in for. They wouldn’t believe me anyways. All those chemicals are going in their brains and they are literally so addicted to that other person that they can’t fathom actually wanting to be without them for more than 24 hours. It is interesting when those chemicals wear off and you are left with your glistening reality and you are screaming “I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A BOY!!!!!!!”

I am determined that Eva won’t marry before she is 30. It is my firm belief that you receive your brain as your 30th birthday present. With your brain you are actually capable of making important decisions like marriage and which religion you want to be baptized in. Before that it is all guesswork and whatever everyone else is doing. That is the whole explanation of extra terrestrials. They are just coming to insert our brains.

Tell me, when do you think you received your brain?

*{} these will now denote sarcasm. I have always wanted a symbol for sarcasm so that you can hear the tone of my voice and this is the best I can do. For all you wise English people I apologize but I have no idea what {} is for but why not sarcasm?
**I don’t mean this post to be negative against marriage. I believe in it and I am very glad to be married. I am not always miserable but occasionally there are short moments when I want to throw a full size tantrum and only have my way.

Green Grass

Tammy — Thu, 29 May 2008 22:30:00 +0000

I used to be a “Grass-is-Greener” person. I used to always think that what I was doing was boring and what everyone else was doing was so much better and more fun. I was never settled with my life. I always wanted to have something new and exciting happening or I would become bored and unsatisfied. Like my mom and sister would describe me I was like a little bird always attracted to the fun, shiny objects quickly jumping from one thing to the next and not paying very much attention to the things surrounding me. I would miss a lot because of this “syndrome”.

I also had a hard time liking myself and understanding why those around me loved me especially Clint. Clint loves me so much I can actually feel it. It is tangible to me and so if we fight or he is mad I can immediately feel a difference. I had a hard time because I just didn’t understand why. I guess I didn’t think I was anything special for someone to love me that much. Same goes for my family and friends, I just didn’t get it.

Apparently I needed a big huge explosion in my life to get it. I needed to screw things up so bad so that reality would hit me square in the face and I would see things as they truly are. Basically I saw that I am a self centered idiot so now I am desperately trying to not be an self centered idiot and fix everything. I just keep asking myself “WHY, WHY, WHY? I am so stupid, why did I need this to see?”

I am glad to say that I have overcome the grass-is-greener thing. I can see how green my life is and it amazes me that I didn’t see it before. I am more comfortable with who I am and where my life is. Though I might not think I deserve love or understand why I have it I need to grab hold and be grateful for it. I also need to give more love back than I receive.

This year has been a life changing year for me and I see more to come. I am happier than ever and I hope people can see that. I hope that I can fix the damage I have caused and one day receive forgiveness and forgive myself.

I love you Clint I hope you can feel it.