Tammy's Bird Brain » depression http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. -Alice in Wonderland Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:21:08 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Expectations http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/2009/11/expectations/?source=rss http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/2009/11/expectations/#comments Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:34:31 +0000 Tammy http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/?p=639 The expectations I have for myself and others have become a mountain of disappointment.  I am so tired, tired, tired.

Tired of the disappointment.

Tired of the waiting.

Tired of the depressed silence that comes from the failed expectation.

If I could eliminate expectation from my life that would be great.  I might live and love more freely. I might live in my moments.

The worst part about expectation is that you usually ruin people with your own expectations of them and they don’t even know about it.  Then you get angry with them when they didn’t even have a fighting chance to save themselves in your eyes.  All because they didn’t know your expectations.  And a lot of the time your expectations are ridiculous.

Stupid expectations.  You are little shits.

]]> http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/2009/11/expectations/feed/ 4 what a difference a year makes http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/2009/08/what-a-difference-a-year-makes/?source=rss http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/2009/08/what-a-difference-a-year-makes/#comments Sat, 29 Aug 2009 04:32:18 +0000 Tammy http://www.tammysbirdbrain.com/?p=360 I am sitting here alone in my house. It is quiet. Eva is asleep. Clint is gone with a friend. I have actually turned off the TV. All the lights are off and the only sound is the computer and an occasional car outside.


Now is the time reflection comes.


I pulled down an old journal and read about what I was doing two years ago. I usually like to walk down memory lane but when I started reading I was reminded that two years ago was not a good time for me. It was my first experience with my own depression.
Depression was something I never understood; it never plagued me even as a teenager; it doesn’t run in my family.
I understand a little better now.


Anyways, two years ago I was moving from Chicago back to Utah. I had been living without Clint for four months. He had moved before me for work; I had had some commitments to fulfill. It was hard. I got depressed. My depression continued for a few months and I made some life changing decisions at the time that I probably should not have been making. I was not myself. I try to remind Clint about it but he doesn’t remember it very well which is frustrating but expected. I probably hid more than I shared. I did not seek help which I probably should have. It is amazing how dark depression makes your mind.


I share this because life has changed dramatically in two years.


See!

dscn1105_2

At the time of my lowest I wrote in my journal this:

2/23/2008

“I will not attempt to crawl out from this hole anymore.  When I attempt I just fall again.  I will sit here at the bottom and await my fate.  I am finished.”


At this point all I could think “I can’t wait for a year from now; I want it to be a year from now”.


About 11 months later I had Eva. 
Can you believe that?


No matter how hard things get and how horrible they look things can get better if we keep trying and moving ahead; if we keep trying to climb out of our holes; if we keep living even if we feel like a robot. 
It’s OK if there are days when we don’t have the strength and a pity party is in order.  Pity parties can be really helpful especially if you have great people to talk you through them. (Here’s a shout out to Michelle and Teresa.  You know all my dirty laundry and don’t mind the smell.  Love to you.)

Looking back makes it a lot easier to look forward.  I am so glad I am where I am and I have learned what I have learned. Hindsight has a beautiful view.

I wonder what is in store a year from now.

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