A note I wrote today is probably for more than just one person

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

Sorry,

I am a bit depressed today. More than a bit. I truly love that you are so sensitive and check my insensitivity. Seriously. I know I can be very insensitive. I want so badly to be better. If I can be better I think that my horrible past will disappear. If I can be an amazing “Mother Teresa” I keep hoping it will bring forgiveness. It is not working. Why is it so hard for me?

And then I have days like yesterday and today and I am thinking I will call my OBGYN and he will give me a happy drug and my memories will be cloudy. And since my OBGYN has no business prescribing this drug he will probably give me a really good one that will fry my brain and maybe even my memories and I want to take advantage of him so badly. But I won’t because sometimes I just think that this is my punishment. So as you can see I am downing some concentrated green tea in hopes that it will calm my mind……but how to calm my spirit…….I am still searching for the secret way of doing that. My poor spirit quakes with the horror of my reality.

I am sorry for spewing my depression on you. Please reject it.

Love to you instead.

Filed under: life by Tammy

5 Responses to “A note I wrote today is probably for more than just one person”

Mary Pat, on August 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm Said:

What was the difference between yesterday and today?
Alicia, on August 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm Said:

Sorry you are down. I am too… it that helps. I know it doesn't, but misery loves company.
mushbelly, on August 3rd, 2009 at 7:12 pm Said:

Oh Tammy. You are wonderful. I'm sorry that you are feeling sad. I should have given you a hug today.

"my poor spirit quakes with the horror of my reality" that is a beautiful line. Heartbreaking, but beautiful. For a second I thought I was reading "these is my words"
B and Jessica, on August 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm Said:

I hate that feeling of dwelling on my mistakes…the shame is just as horrible as it was when I initially made the mistake. Your sad spirit and poetic words remind me of Alma the younger, and how he said his soul was "harrowed up" and "racked with torment" when he thought of his mistakes. He said the only thing that brought him out of this horrible state of mind was when he thought of Jesus Christ and how He suffered on his behalf.
Marie B., on August 6th, 2009 at 2:13 am Said:

I'm sorry Tam! I'm glad that you are coming to visit so we can give you some much needed TLC!

Tammy's Bird Brain