Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
I have started some reading about forgiveness. My first book is “How Can I Forgive You?” by Janis A. Spring
Here are a few interesting things from her book:
Two Dysfunctional Approaches to Forgiveness
Cheap Forgiveness
Even if the offender ignores your pain, you may be so frightened of the anger or of rejection, so desperate to preserve the relationship that you’re willing to do anything–even forgive them. But this forgiveness is premature, superficial, undeserved. I call it cheap because you offer it before you process the impact of the violation, ask anything of the offender, or think through what lies ahead.
Refusing to Forgive
You may refuse to forgive (1) when you want to punish an unremorseful offender, (2) when you associate forgiveness with reconciliation or compassion, neither of which you’re prepared to offer; and (3) when you use retaliatory rage to protest a violation and see anything more conciliatory–particularly forgiveness–as a sign of weakness.
Not Forgiving makes you feel powerful and in control, but it’s a reactive, often rigid and compulsive response to violation that cuts you off from life and leaves you stewing in your own hostile juices.
At the end of her introduction she says:
“We are all searching for an answer, some new approach, that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate, gives voice to the injustice, and helps us to make peace…Most of us are also struggling with the knowledge that we have mistreated others. We can make ourselves feel right by feeling wronged-buying into our biased, self-righteous version of the truth, and blaming the person we hurt. But we won’t feel good about ourselves until we clean up the damage we caused.”
The last part about blaming others I am really good at. I call it self-protecting but it always comes full circle. In the end I will see the truth and have to face that it is my problem and not someone elses.
Here is a definition of Forgiveness by Franklin Smith:
“Forgiveness means that I will freely restore the one asking forgiveness to his former state from before the wrongdoing occurred, and I will not dwell on the error, or bring it up in any future situations. It is a promise that I make to the one seeking forgiveness. The importance of this promise is in knowing that once a wound has been cleaned out, it must be allowed time to heal. To re-open it only endangers that healing and presents the possibility of a new infection. As time passes in God’s love, the memory of any hurt that is indeed forgiven fades to insignificance.”
“I don’t know if it is possible to completely forget something terrible that happened to you, but I like what he says about the memory of it fading to insignificance. In other words, you still have it in your past, but it no longer has you.” (quoted after the definition by unknown person)
I like this. I think that granting forgiveness to someone should be thought out and hearfelt and when granted you should not bring it up again and remind them of the past. If forgiveness is truly granted then someone should not be judged on it anymore.
I also read that forgiving someone does not mean that you agree with or condone what they did but that you accept the changes they have made and that you have the hope of better things to come.
Any thoughts?
Filed under: Uncategorized by Tammy
To forgive and forget is truly a great accomplishment, not easy to do. I think that it is miraculous that our Father in Heaven has the ability to do this. I’m so glad.
Since you’re reading forgiveness books, might I suggest the Miracle of Forgiveness? You’ve probably already read it, but if not, I highly recommend it.
Here’s a quote I copied on my mission and put in my scriptures: “Lucifer will encourage you to continue to relive the details of past mistakes, knowing that such thoughts can hamper your progress. Thus he attempts to tie strings to the mind and body so that he can manipulate you like a puppet to discourage personal achievement…when memory of past mistakes enroaches upon your mind, turn your thoughts to the Redeemer and to the miracle of forgiveness with the renewal that comes through Him.” – Richard G. Scott
Anyway, maybe I should read the book you’re reading right now. I have some forgiveness issues myself that I need to resolve.
Tammy,
I have really enjoyed reading your blog. And after reading this post it made me think about a time when I was struggling with forgiveness. So I would really like to email you. So email me your email. I would really like to share my experiance with you. Maybe it will help. My email: bcrerichards@msn.com
I hope to hear from you.